Before I had any right to dismiss Twihards or criticize the psychologically unhealthy relationship model that Bella Swan and Edward Cullen present, I felt obliged to read the books. So I did. All four novels, one novella, and an incomplete document in portable format. The content lived down to my expectations, but I was unprepared for how poorly crafted the saga is. Contact: reasoningwithvampires@gmail.com

26th July 2012

Post with 437 notes

Anonymous asked you: I know you don’t like to speak about the HP/Twilight Wars, but one of the most frequent excuses I’ve seen of Reasoning with Vampires by Twihards is that “if Meyer did it, JK Rowling did it too!” Is there any accuracy in that?

I’m going to generalize my reply because I refuse to contribute to the literary Hatfield-McCoy feud. Feel free to apply my answer to other protestations of “…[choose your own literary masterpiece] did it, too!”

Also, when I use the pronoun “you” in this answer, I’m addressing the apologists, not Miss Annie Onymous.

  1. Are you sure you really want to use the “… but all of the other kids are allowed” argument? It didn’t work with your mom when you were a ten-year-old; it’s not going to work as a literary defense with me. Virginia Woolf jumped into a river — does that mean you should, too?

    When people point out, “You could do [what I’m doing on RwV] with any book,” I agree. I’m not sure what argument you think we’re having here. The conflict deflates like a flan in a cupboard. If you show me examples where [insert author’s name here] did the same thing Meyer did, I might be with you on that. I’m not going to give Meyer a pass on stupid sentences because Tolstoy also wrote stupid sentences. Raise your standards, people. Stop looking around for crap to facilitate lowering the bell curve.

  2. Suppose Catherine Earnshaw and Bella Swan took the same algebra test, and Catherine got an A because she filled in correct answers for all of the problems except number 34, and Bella only got 10% of the answers correct. Should Bella get the same grade because, Hey, they both got number 34 wrong? If Shakespeare were ticketed for driving 30 miles per hour in a 25 mph zone, and Stephenie got pulled over for going 85 miles per hour along the same stretch of road, Stephenie’s fine would be more costly than Shakespeare’s because Stephenie’s violation was excessive.

    Yes, other novels contain annoying blips. The abundant problems in Meyer’s writing transcend mere irritation and achieve that special level of chafing usually isolated to the bleeding nipples of marathon runners.

  3. Superman looks a little silly wearing undies over his tights, but I would look like a damn fool wearing pink panties over my jeans. My point? The execution matters. Some authors can pull it off. The way E.E. Cummings “misused” commas is not the same as the way Stephenie Meyer abuses commas. This purposeful run-on sentence is not the same as Meyer’s minivans. So what if Shakespeare did it first? Stephenie Meyer is not Shakespeare.

    Yeah, I’m also looking at you people who argue about the artistic prerogative to use sentence fragments, conjunctions at the beginning of sentences, unconventional commas, et cetera. Yeah, these “mistakes” can have poetic value, but that doesn’t automagically mean they do have merit.

  4. Do you really care about the mistakes in other books? You don’t need to blame-shift red ink onto other novels. Let’s be honest: You think I’m being unfair about the technical aspects of Stephenie Meyer’s writing just because I don’t like it/her/Twilight, and you’re partially right. Got me there! If I liked the characters or the plot, I’d be more forgiving. Other books have redeeming elements to act as the spoonful of sugar helping the media go down in the most delightful way. Twilight does not.

Tagged: Good for him but I'm not James Joyce's mom.No one should jump into the river.QuestionsResponding to finger pointing by giving the finger.automagically is not a typotext

25th April 2011

Question with 58 notes

nimblestitch-deactivated2011071 said: You'll probably reply to this with a witty remark, but why don't you post the page numbers of where you can find the selection of text that you're criticizing? Just to be more official. Not that I don't believe you; it's just a suggestion.

1. Anyone who has received a nice reply from me (especially if it was a response to something constructive), please stand up. Yes, yes… I shoot fire from my eyes sometimes, but that is generally restricted to belligerent correspondents who are taking death-defying leaps over logic. Relax, Dollface. I’m not a mean person; I’m high-spirited when the situation requires it.

2. I do sometimes post page numbers. This is usually because the point I’m trying to make hinges on the concentration of Stupid Writing Technique over a few pages. Flashbacks sometimes have page numbers, too.

3. My posts are in sequential order, so if you really want to play along at home, it shouldn’t be hard to find the passages.

4. As I’ve mentioned before, I scan the pages. I’m comfortable with that effort making sufficiently “official.”

5. Does anyone else care? I’m seriously asking.

Tagged: page numbers?questionstextFAQ

11th November 2010

Post with 19 notes

FAQ/MM, part 3

I’ve gotten a lot of questions lately. Also, I think I’m dragging my feet in Edward’s Meadow (sparklesparkle). I know that lion/lamb nonsense is coming up.

HEY, WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE BOOK?
 ”The reader may suppose that it is about time another Delectable Mountain appeared upon his horizon. Let him keep his eyes wide open,for here another comes…" My favorite book is The Enormous Room by E.E. Cummings. Careful though: I’m not sure if there’s a sentence in the book that adheres to rules of punctuation. The weirdness of Cummings sentences aren’t there because he didn’t know any better, though. It’s transformative. Reading Cummings makes me consider the purpose of the rule he’s breaking. He puts words together that don’t belong together, but it *does* something new. If you want to pick up narrative Cummings, i six nonlectures is a good place to start. It’s emphatically my pail of blueberries.

HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE “STEPHYLOCOCCUS”?
Steph·ill·oh·cock·us

HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH SOME OF YOUR FUNNIER TAGS (E.G. “PARACRAP”)? DO YOU JUST KEEP TYPING UNTIL SOMETHING FUNNY COMES UP, OR DO THEY COME TO YOU WHILE YOU’RE DOING OTHER THINGS?
Here’s what happens: I save the .png, I go to upload it, and I’m like, “Awesome, this one is done, dammit just upload, oh, tag box? Hm, blablabla.”  The R&D process for “paracrap” went something like this, “Wow, that’s a shitty paragraph. Uh, what would I call a shitty para… paracrap it is!” Tags are either last minute thoughts before I upload or things that didn’t fit into the post image. My tags are usually more juvenile, crass, and/or bitchy than image comments. Sometimes I add hilarious comments I see on reblogs into the comments, but I usually credit those.

HOW MANY FOLLOWERS DO YOU HAVE?
Uh, I’m not answering that. I know some people post the number of followers because they’re really excited and appreciate each and every user. I love all the unique and magical snowflakes that want me on their dash (well, most of you) (some more than others) (what? there are really quiet followers that I don’t know) (more parenthetical) (ha). It’s not that I’m not grateful, but I’m not going to announce how many notches are on my Tumblr bedpost. I think it would be tacky.

ARE YOU GOING THROUGH TWILIGHT IN ANY PARTICULAR ORDER, OR ARE YOU JUST POSTING RANDOM TIDBITS (HEHE) HERE AND THERE?
You can follow along at home. It’s page by page. Every now and then, I go back and grab something I missed. (Sup, Green B?) Some large compilations like “Edward’s What-the-Fuck Faces” are grabbed as I go and languish in a folder until I get around to putting them together.

Tagged: faqfmmtextquestionsquestion mark marks a question

10th November 2010

Post with 52 notes

Top 20 Posts by No. of Notes

1,748: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1325698271
813: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1356311056
724: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1427982873
709: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1507979483
663: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1044464277

624: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1039371235
585: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1175574631
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533: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1072268311
444: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1007021609

425: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1021602031
363: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1139485366
352: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1468993506
320: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1064695398
288: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1050224062

286: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1528346733
279: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1329802943
272: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1349535897
265: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1338469885
263: http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/post/1476443771

Tagged: hall of meyer's shametop 20I'm kind of a bitchtext

3rd September 2010

Post with 50 notes

Just FYI

At the moment I see a conversation initiated by tranzient in the reblogging of this post. I have no intention of sounding defensive or argumentative, and because I’ve seen a few people discuss what I’m doing before tonight, I’m just going to copy from my About:

I’ve been asked why I’m spending so much time mulling over something I hate so much. Here are a few reasons for Reasoning:

  • It’s cathartic to rant.
  • I see Stephenie Meyer’s novels like the activity page in Highlights magazine where you have to find what’s wrong with the picture.
  • It’s like a creative writing exercise designed to revisit the fundamentals of good storytelling.
  • It’s funny.
  • It’s too easy for Twilunatics to dismiss claims that Stephenie Meyer is a bad writer, because “you’re just jealous/dense/unromantic/uncool.” When I write that Stephenie Meyer is a bad writer, it’s not merely an opinion. I can prove it over, and over, and over, and over…
  • You seem to like it. <3 

If you want to send me a message, the best way to ensure getting a reply will be to contact me via reasoningwithvampires@gmail.com.

P.S.:  In a completely unexpected turn of events, I’ve received messages and reblogged comments about the educational value of this tumblr. Apparently, people are actually learning things about grammar and writing via this peculiarly accessible project. It’s weird but awesome.

Oh, also, the correct pronoun when referencing me is “she”.

Tagged: aboutreasoningwithvampirestext

28th August 2010

Post with 21 notes

Yes, I’m For Serious

I’ve seen a few people incredulously commenting, “This can’t be real!” I realize most of that is meant as, “This should not be!” and not “I deny the existence!” Even so, I want to officially state that the Twilight text* has not been altered. These are actual pages from Twilight scanned and cropped. What you see cringe at is what you get suffer.

As always, I’m flattered so many people enjoy this project, and I’m quite proud that some people are finding this educational. Thanks again, everyone.

* The one exception is the text of the preface that appears in the very first post. I did type that.

Tagged: textaboutTwilightAnti-TwilightStephenie Meyerbad writing