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Anonymous asked you: Okay, I am a teenage girl. I’m just thirteen. Like most of the girls of my age, I have read Twilight. I like it. It was the first book series I finished, and, after that, I discovered that I liked reading and that I’m pretty good at writing. Now, three years after I first picked up a Twilight book, I see that they’re bad written. I now know what a good book is. But I can’t help loving them. And I feel bad for that. What would you say to me?
I would say: Don’t feel bad about that. I don’t want to sound like a condescending adult, but you were only ten! When I was ten, I thought a curly perm was a good idea.
Darling, you have a lifetime ahead of you with no shortage of hindsight revelations which will leave you cringing at your own dubious judgement. Give yourself a pass on this one.
Besides, sometimes these things can’t be helped. You loved it, and love has a tendency to linger regardless of logic. Your love persists because a couple of years ago you formed an attachment to Twilight. It’s just like how every time I see Tim Curry, I’m instinctively suspicious of him. I will always doubt the nobility of any character he portrays because the first movie I saw him in was Legend, in which he played The Lord of Darkness (actually).
On the bright side, you’re getting a head start on learning how to be in love with an asshole. At some point in your future, you might fall for a person who isn’t good enough for you and even possibly a girl or guy who is straight up bad for you. You will be able to draw upon this experience, acknowledging the lust but moving on to someone who deserves your attention. Think of it as jackass practice.
While Twilight is emphatically NOT an awesome book, it was a catalyst for your literary awakening, and that itself is quite awesome.
I think you’re going to be fine.
P.S. (Please read this correction in a Mary Poppins-esque nurturing-but-assertive tone.) In the future, use the adverb “badly” when modifying verbs. The books are badly written. See also: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
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I doubt the good people at the CDC love Ebola. I’m a literary epidemiologist.
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Anonymous asked you: I know you don’t like to speak about the HP/Twilight Wars, but one of the most frequent excuses I’ve seen of Reasoning with Vampires by Twihards is that “if Meyer did it, JK Rowling did it too!” Is there any accuracy in that?
I’m going to generalize my reply because I refuse to contribute to the literary Hatfield-McCoy feud. Feel free to apply my answer to other protestations of “…[choose your own literary masterpiece] did it, too!”
Also, when I use the pronoun “you” in this answer, I’m addressing the apologists, not Miss Annie Onymous.
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Hilmar asked (via email): Why do you call in the blog your boyfriend “boyfriend”? Doesn’t he want to be namely mentioned, or is it because you don’t want any disturbance because if you break up and if you have to mention your new boyfriend namely, it would probably cause unwanted reactions from your readers?
It’s just a functional name. I still get messages addressed to “Whomever You Are,” from readers who don’t know my name, so I use “Boyfriend” to identify him. As a bonus, it helps distinguish him from a character. This way unfamiliar readers won’t wonder, “Which one is Chris? Is he a vampire or a werewolf?”
In case you just missed it, my boyfriend’s name is Chris.
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VIDEO ANSWER — “Have you read / Are you going to read / What do you think of / Are you familiar with Fifty Shades of Grey?”
Related Quote: “Twilight at least has the benefit of being fascinating in its awfulness, like a car wreck where you can’t tell if the primary cause was one driver’s cataracts, another driver’s onset of peanut allergy, the rockslide, the sudden appearance of a horde of rabid badgers, or the mysterious solar eclipse. Fifty Shades of Grey is just a drunk driver. Both are hailed as automotive revolutions.” — Audreyii
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NOTE FROM DANA: I haven’t been posting much this week because my laptop… well, I’m not going to tell you because I’m using it right now, and I don’t want to antagonize it. The problem should be resolved in a few days.
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Follow-up from this question.
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: I am placing a moratorium on answering any more Twilightian menstrual questions.
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Anonymous said: is that really you in the pictures you posted of "yourself" ?
Who “else” would it be? How about I take a picture of “myself” with my copy of the first book?
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Anonymous said: Does your mother know what a rude little bitch you are?
Boyfriend noted that you managed to sound really hostile and misogynistic in six words. It’s not an impressive sort of efficiency.
I’m going to answer your question with a story about my first encounter with road rage.
We lived out in the country, and my mom was driving me into town to buy new goggles before my swim meet the next day. We were on this little country road with one lane in each direction and corn everywhere else.
There wasn’t a lot of traffic, but somehow we got stuck behind a mid-60s Pontiac GTO going about 30 mph. Mom tried to pass the car a few times, but the car would drift to the left until it was straddling both lanes. Lather, rinse, repeat for about a mile. Then the car in front of us slowly rolled to a stop without leaving much room for Mom to go around, so we came to a stop, too.
The driver and his passenger got out and proceeded to yell at my mother for tailgating. My mother’s not a large woman, and I was eleven. We stayed in our vehicle, but Mom engaged in a charming conversation through her sunroof.
Eventually, the gentleman yelled at my mother, “KISS MY ASS!”
Mom replied, “PICK A SPOT. YOU’RE ALL ASS.”
The man slammed his hand down on the hood of our car. Mom tried to edge around him, but when he continued to bodily block her passage, she gently hit him with her car and drove away.
I filled out my first police report an hour later.
I learned two things from this experience:
SHORT ANSWER: Where do you think I learned it?
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