Before I had any right to dismiss Twihards or criticize the psychologically unhealthy relationship model that Bella Swan and Edward Cullen present, I felt obliged to read the books. So I did. All four novels, one novella, and an incomplete document in portable format. The content lived down to my expectations, but I was unprepared for how poorly crafted the saga is. Contact: reasoningwithvampires@gmail.com

28th October 2011

Question with 1,055 notes

Anonymous said: Does your mother know what a rude little bitch you are?

Boyfriend noted that you managed to sound really hostile and misogynistic in six words. It’s not an impressive sort of efficiency.

I’m going to answer your question with a story about my first encounter with road rage.

We lived out in the country, and my mom was driving me into town to buy new goggles before my swim meet the next day. We were on this little country road with one lane in each direction and corn everywhere else.

There wasn’t a lot of traffic, but somehow we got stuck behind a mid-60s Pontiac GTO going about 30 mph. Mom tried to pass the car a few times, but the car would drift to the left until it was straddling both lanes. Lather, rinse, repeat for about a mile. Then the car in front of us slowly rolled to a stop without leaving much room for Mom to go around, so we came to a stop, too.

The driver and his passenger got out and proceeded to yell at my mother for tailgating. My mother’s not a large woman, and I was eleven. We stayed in our vehicle, but Mom engaged in a charming conversation through her sunroof.

Eventually, the gentleman yelled at my mother, “KISS MY ASS!”

Mom replied, “PICK A SPOT. YOU’RE ALL ASS.”

The man slammed his hand down on the hood of our car. Mom tried to edge around him, but when he continued to bodily block her passage, she gently hit him with her car and drove away.

I filled out my first police report an hour later.

I learned two things from this experience:

  1. It’s okay to be a bitch when presented with jackasses.
  2. The all-time best response to being told to kiss someone’s ass is, “Pick a spot. You’re all ass.”

SHORT ANSWER: Where do you think I learned it?

Tagged: Now I have to get ready for a Halloween party.FAQQuestions

15th July 2011

Photo with 488 notes

As for the implication that it’s okay to set low standards for teenage fiction, see this.

As for the implication that it’s okay to set low standards for teenage fiction, see this.

Tagged: I KNOW, I'LL GO TO A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE LIKE SOMETHING AND TELL THEM I DON'T LIKE IT.FAQI've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear. I've prepared a lecture on why [you] have to leave. So please back away.QuestionsThat's right: BRAIN-ORGY OF SNARKare we done now?

25th April 2011

Question with 58 notes

nimblestitch-deactivated2011071 said: You'll probably reply to this with a witty remark, but why don't you post the page numbers of where you can find the selection of text that you're criticizing? Just to be more official. Not that I don't believe you; it's just a suggestion.

1. Anyone who has received a nice reply from me (especially if it was a response to something constructive), please stand up. Yes, yes… I shoot fire from my eyes sometimes, but that is generally restricted to belligerent correspondents who are taking death-defying leaps over logic. Relax, Dollface. I’m not a mean person; I’m high-spirited when the situation requires it.

2. I do sometimes post page numbers. This is usually because the point I’m trying to make hinges on the concentration of Stupid Writing Technique over a few pages. Flashbacks sometimes have page numbers, too.

3. My posts are in sequential order, so if you really want to play along at home, it shouldn’t be hard to find the passages.

4. As I’ve mentioned before, I scan the pages. I’m comfortable with that effort making sufficiently “official.”

5. Does anyone else care? I’m seriously asking.

Tagged: page numbers?questionstextFAQ

16th April 2011

Photo with 338 notes

The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks

The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks

Tagged: Be indelible, darlings.Frankie Landau-Banksneglected positivesbooksFAQgruntledYour grammar is indistinct.I have serious and justified love for this book that I will parage to the end.

4th April 2011

Photo with 137 notes

Tagged: Next time you feel ill, don't add insult to injury.FAQaskcommonly misused wordstext entrytext postThe rest of it? Totally possible.

3rd April 2011

Photo with 580 notes

Tagged: Happy Birthday, Sam!FAQI OBVIOUSLY DON’T UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF READING.It's like a cow's opinion.gentle replytell me how you really feeltext postI'm glad we had this talk.

7th March 2011

Photo with 72 notes

Tagged: When I'm not fair, it's because I'm busy being fun.I won't cheapen our love.Sometimes I'm fair.FAQa non-moose

17th December 2010

Post with 46 notes

FAQ/MM

DID YOU NOTICED THE DIFFERENT SPELLING IN “DAMN IT, BELLA" AND "DAMMIT, EDWARD”?
Yes. I can only assume that this is Meyer’s way of displaying Edward’s linguistic formality.

WHAT FONT DID YOU USE IN THIS POST?
Efja

SOMETIMES IS IT NOT BETTER TO JUST APPRECIATE THE STORY, INSTEAD OF PICKING HOLES IN THE WAYS IT’S BEEN WRITTEN?
No. Double-negatives aren’t the best approach either.

DO YOU FIND IT AMUSING THAT THE HATEDOM’S BEEN REDUCED TO PICKING THROUGH SINGULAR SENTENCES IN THE BOOKS? HAVE WE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO DESPISE?
We certainly have not run out of things to despise; this is just the route I’m taking. Here is something else you might not find amusing.

CAN YOU PLEASE BE MY BEST FRIEND?
No, I’m sorry. I’ve had the same best friend since fourth grade, and she’s awesome. Let’s be new friends instead!

Tagged: FAQfmmQuestionstext entry

5th December 2010

Post with 110 notes

FAQ/MM

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN “ALEX READS TWILIGHT” AND/OR THE YOUTUBE VIDEO OF CHARLIE READS TWILIGHT?
I have! Alex Day is hilarious. I’ve watched several of his other videos, too. The thing that I really love about Alex reading Twilight is the way he reacts. There’s this moment when you stumble across a certain line (and let’s face it: it’s often a stumble, isn’t it?), and an involuntary reaction manifests as, “WHAT?!” on your lips. I know it well, and Alex Day’s videos are riddled with them. So much of Twilight can be boiled down to Alex’s brilliant quote, “THIS IS NOT HOW YOU BOOK.” I mutter/murmur it often.

Tagged: FAQFMMAlex Reads Twilighttext entry

3rd December 2010

Post with 121 notes

FAQ/FMM

WHY IS TWILIGHT SO BAD?
Twilight est ergo horribilis.

YOU HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE BRO
"Sis." I’m a chick. I regularly see myself referred to as a him or “that guy”. I realize that Dana is an androgynous name, but I’m not a guy. Also, you have no fucking punctuation, freakshow.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF “EATS, SHOOTS & LEAVES”?
Yes. My boyfriend got it for me for my birthday last month. It’s awesome. There’s a foreword by Frank McCourt, in which he has a parenthetical aside, “(I hesitated over that exclamation mark, and it’s all her doing.)” It made me giggle, because I know millions of commas have been spared because you all know better now.

THERE’S A “LEAD” THAT SHOULD BE A “LED” IN YOUR CRUSHABLE INTERVIEW.
Thanks. I emailed my interviewer, Drew Grant, and she fixed that for me/us. She rules. As always, I appreciate when you point out my mistakes and typos, so thanks!

OXFORD COMMA - YES OR NO?
I like the serial comma before the conjunction. I think it’s tidy, lovely, and good.

HAS STEPHENIE MEYER READ THIS?
(My instinct is to say, “I’m not sure that she reads much,” but instead I’ll just go with…) Not as far as I know.

IF YOU HAD TO DESCRIBE BELLA IN A FEW ADJECTIVES WHAT WOULD THEY BE?
Why would I describe her? Her author never felt the need to do so.

Previous.

Tagged: FAQFMMQuestionstext entry

25th November 2010

Post with 27 notes

FAQ / FMM

HOW DID YOU READ ALL FIVE OF THE BOOKS, IF THERE’S ONLY 4 BOOKS? LOL. THERE’S ONLY LIKE A FEW CHAPTERS OF THE 5TH ONE THAT HASN’T BEEN RELEASED.
You’re wrong, so that helps with this seemingly impossible feat. I read Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, and The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. I’ve skimmed Midnight Sun, but it hurt too much to really read. (Also, don’t switch back and forth between writing numbers and using your number keys. Pick one and be consistent.)

CAN YOU LIST ALL THE FONT YOU USE?
No. I use a ton of fonts. I will give names if you request a specific font. I can probably even tell you where I downloaded most of the them, except the font I used for “Alternatives To Stalking,” which was made from my penmanship.

WHY?
See this.

I LOVE YOU.
I love you, too.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
That’s unlikely, especially when you ask anonymously. I might reconsider depending on your citizenship. I miss England.

CAN YOU POST A SENTENCE WHERE SHE WROTE SOMETHING CORRECTLY?
You’re kind of missing the point, Champ. Every now and then, I do post when I like a sentence. It’s rare, but it happens.

WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT, DO YOU REALLY CARE WHETHER PEOPLE LIKE TWILIGHT OR NOT?
No, I don’t really care. I think some of the reasons people like Twilight are unjustified, troubling, and/or stupid, but I don’t think it really matters what I think about what you think. I have a pedantic, bitchy, sarcastic tumblog, but I’m not actively pursuing the conversion of Twits.

DO YA GOT A FANFICTION.NET ACCOUNT?
No. I’ve seen a rumor that I do and that I’m a specific user, but those are LIES.

WHAT COUNTRY DO YOU LIVE IN?
I’m in the US.

Previous FAQ / FMM

Tagged: FAQfmmtext entry

11th November 2010

Post with 19 notes

FAQ/MM, part 3

I’ve gotten a lot of questions lately. Also, I think I’m dragging my feet in Edward’s Meadow (sparklesparkle). I know that lion/lamb nonsense is coming up.

HEY, WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE BOOK?
 ”The reader may suppose that it is about time another Delectable Mountain appeared upon his horizon. Let him keep his eyes wide open,for here another comes…" My favorite book is The Enormous Room by E.E. Cummings. Careful though: I’m not sure if there’s a sentence in the book that adheres to rules of punctuation. The weirdness of Cummings sentences aren’t there because he didn’t know any better, though. It’s transformative. Reading Cummings makes me consider the purpose of the rule he’s breaking. He puts words together that don’t belong together, but it *does* something new. If you want to pick up narrative Cummings, i six nonlectures is a good place to start. It’s emphatically my pail of blueberries.

HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE “STEPHYLOCOCCUS”?
Steph·ill·oh·cock·us

HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH SOME OF YOUR FUNNIER TAGS (E.G. “PARACRAP”)? DO YOU JUST KEEP TYPING UNTIL SOMETHING FUNNY COMES UP, OR DO THEY COME TO YOU WHILE YOU’RE DOING OTHER THINGS?
Here’s what happens: I save the .png, I go to upload it, and I’m like, “Awesome, this one is done, dammit just upload, oh, tag box? Hm, blablabla.”  The R&D process for “paracrap” went something like this, “Wow, that’s a shitty paragraph. Uh, what would I call a shitty para… paracrap it is!” Tags are either last minute thoughts before I upload or things that didn’t fit into the post image. My tags are usually more juvenile, crass, and/or bitchy than image comments. Sometimes I add hilarious comments I see on reblogs into the comments, but I usually credit those.

HOW MANY FOLLOWERS DO YOU HAVE?
Uh, I’m not answering that. I know some people post the number of followers because they’re really excited and appreciate each and every user. I love all the unique and magical snowflakes that want me on their dash (well, most of you) (some more than others) (what? there are really quiet followers that I don’t know) (more parenthetical) (ha). It’s not that I’m not grateful, but I’m not going to announce how many notches are on my Tumblr bedpost. I think it would be tacky.

ARE YOU GOING THROUGH TWILIGHT IN ANY PARTICULAR ORDER, OR ARE YOU JUST POSTING RANDOM TIDBITS (HEHE) HERE AND THERE?
You can follow along at home. It’s page by page. Every now and then, I go back and grab something I missed. (Sup, Green B?) Some large compilations like “Edward’s What-the-Fuck Faces” are grabbed as I go and languish in a folder until I get around to putting them together.

Tagged: faqfmmtextquestionsquestion mark marks a question

8th November 2010

Post with 64 notes

Frequently Asked Questions / Messaged Messages, part 2

Part 1 here.

SOMETHING SOMETHING YOU JUST DON’T GET HOW MUCH BELLA LOVES EDWARD.
To this day, when I see a guy wearing a pink shirt I compare him to Phineas from A Separate Peace by Knowles. You want a character you can have a crush on, Finny is your guy. He’s charismatic and self-assure in a way that’s not off-putting. Trust me, I totally get lit-love, but the characters you adore should be people you’d love in real life (even if you have to suspend disbelief for supernatural characters). You have some seriously dubious judgment if you don’t read Twilight and think, “Oh my God, we have to stage an intervention.”

HOW DO YOU MAKE YOUR POSTS?
I scan the pages. I use Snagit to grab the passages, and Snagit Editor to blur the parts that aren’t relevant. Then I take those and insert them into Microsoft Visio drawings, which is where I make highlights and add commentary. I save individual .pngs from the Visio drawings which are the end-product images. Typing it all out like that makes it look like more work than it feels like at the time, but I’m really familiar with navigating those programs so that helps.

YOU SUCK.
Your mom sucks. (What?)

YOU’RE TOO PICKY.
Uh, are you new here? Do you not get what I’m doing?

I SEE YOU GOT HATE MAIL OR SOMEONE IS BEING A JACKASS TO YOU. THEY’RE DUMB.
Aww, love muffin… thanks. I have some adorable and defensive readers, who rock my face off. I assure you, I get way more love mail than hate mail. Not that I’m requesting more hate mail or anything, but I really don’t get that much of it.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO, BLABLABLA, STEPHENIE MEYER’S EDITOR?
I think Meyer’s editor is either a moron or a genius. In one scenario, I see someone who didn’t know any better and is thus an idiotor not an editor. On the other hand, maybe Miss Her Editor Rockin’ Pants embraces the mantra, “Work smarter, not harder!” Perhaps, Ms. HERP saw all of the flaws in Twilight but understood that this trash would sell whether it was worked over or not. I’m not sure which is more devious. Either way, I hope that she made millions in commissions and retired.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO MEYER? WOULD YOU EDIT HER BOOK?
I’m really not qualified to edit her books like a grown-up. Also, I’m pretty sure Stephylococcus and I aren’t going to have tea together anytime soon. If nothing else because I’m juvenile enough to keep calling her Stephylococcus.

(BECAUSE I’M GRATEFUL ENOUGH TO REITERATE THIS POINT) I LOVE YOU.
I have the most kick-ass, sassy, brilliant, keen-eyed, literate, loving, awesome readers. I really, really love you right back. Parenthetical-hugs all around.

Tagged: And when you're holding me / we make a pair of parentheses. / There's plenty space to encase / whatever weird way my mind goes, / I know I’ll be safe in these arms.I said my piece, Chrissy!Re: rocking my face off -- see, sometimes sentences can end with prepos.FAQFMMStephylococcusyour mom really does suck

17th October 2010

Post with 139 notes

Frequently Asked Questions / Messaged Messages

ARE YOU AN ENGLISH TEACHER, EDITOR, [OTHER LITERATURE-RELATED OCCUPATION]?
I’m not an English teacher or a copy editor. I do not have a degree in English, nor am I a student majoring in English. You are welcome to take this information and dismiss my criticism of Twilight because I’m supremely unqualified. Then again, Stephenie Meyer has a degree in English and doesn’t know the difference between moat and mote. Make of it what you will.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?
I don’t know. I read a lot. I speak English. I care about words. I don’t know how to answer this in a way that doesn’t make me sound like a jackass claiming to know everything, because I don’t know everything. (For sure, I am a jackass to presume I know better than a best-selling… never mind. I can’t even get through the lip service. Twilight blows.)

WILL YOU EDIT MY [THING I WROTE]?
Have you thought that through? I’m not exactly nice. I applaud your willingness to accept criticism, though. Go ahead: email it, link it, whatever. No guarantees that I’ll get to it.

HOW CAN YOU STAND READING TWILIGHT?
Someone has to fight the good fight, kids.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE TWILIGHT, YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ IT.
Touché. Got me there. While I reflect on that astute observation, you might consider that if you don’t like my tumblog, you don’t have to read it. (Oh, what now?)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “THE HOST”?
I don’t. I can’t really weigh in without reading it. The Host doesn’t have the same magnetic pull on my curiosity that Twilight did. (Fat lot of good that did me. I still don’t know what the big deal is.)

I LOVE YOU!
As I love you, dollface. As I love you.

YOU NEED A LIFE.
How much time do you think it takes to find problems with Twilight? I don’t have to spend hours with a magnifying glass searching for the next thing to bitch about. I turn the page and voilá!

[SOMETHING SOMETHING IMPLYING I’M ATTACKING TWILIGHT AS PART OF THE HARRY-POTTER-IS-BETTER MOVEMENT]
This is the first time I’ve mentioned Harry Potter. This might be the last time I mention Harry Potter.

THAT’S NOT WRONG. IT’S JUST HER STYLE.
Fine. Her style is tacky.

YOU MADE A GRAMMAR MISTAKE ON [BLABLABLA ENTRY].
Good eye. Thanks for pointing it out. I’ll probably go back and fix it.

DEAR SIR OR MS.
I’m a she.

I THINK I’VE LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT GRAMMAR/WRITING.
These are my absolute favorite messages to get. It makes me want to surround you in parentheses of love.

KEEP IT UP.
'kay.

Tagged: text entryFAQFMM