Before I had any right to dismiss Twihards or criticize the psychologically unhealthy relationship model that Bella Swan and Edward Cullen present, I felt obliged to read the books. So I did. All four novels, one novella, and an incomplete document in portable format. The content lived down to my expectations, but I was unprepared for how poorly crafted the saga is. Contact:

4th December 2012

Photo with 698 notes

Tagged: I made a face right back!Seriously. Don't kill yourself.cliff notesdirty slip of the tongueRemember that time you were all ''Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable''? Not good times.

30th November 2012

Photo with 437 notes

Tagged: inappropriate responses to social cuesvamPowers that belong on soap operasWhy doesn't Jasper use his powers to give Edward the munchies?Nobody puts Baby's rage in the corner.And not just because Jacob doesn't wear shoes anymore.

18th November 2012

Photo with 554 notes

Tagged: Also: Jacob might have a crush on Carlisle.I'm disgusted and comical but coming up short on the admiration front.Jasper also has great boobs.cheating at narrationBella and Stephenie: consistently knowing too much or not enough.

15th November 2012

Photo with 160 notes

Tagged: Breaking DawnI might keep my O negative out of spite.Obvious marketing decision.You go too far.

24th October 2012

Photo with 412 notes

Tagged: This is not a real horror story. This is a really horrible story.I do not think it means what you think it means.Volturi Ice Cream Socialexaggerating teenagers''Do you want to take this outside?'' does not constitute a fight scene.

17th October 2012

Photo with 295 notes

Tagged: Must you remove your white gloves of authorial intent and smack obtuse readers in the face with them?SPOILER: ''I trailed behind him automatically.''See! See! See what I did there? It's the word ''is'' inside of nuance. LOLZ.Stephenie Meyer prefers nuisance over nuance.Then again she does have a tendency to follow boys around like a little lost puppy.Fun with awkward verbals!

26th September 2012

Photo with 848 notes

Tagged: fixedcarcinogenic boyfriendseditedan asshole a day keeps the emotional stability awayYou make me [sic].

25th September 2012

Post with 242 notes

Anonymous asked you: Okay, I am a teenage girl. I’m just thirteen. Like most of the girls of my age, I have read Twilight. I like it. It was the first book series I finished, and, after that, I discovered that I liked reading and that I’m pretty good at writing. Now, three years after I first picked up a Twilight book, I see that they’re bad written. I now know what a good book is. But I can’t help loving them. And I feel bad for that. What would you say to me?

Dearest Anya,

I would say: Don’t feel bad about that. I don’t want to sound like a condescending adult, but you were only ten! When I was ten, I thought a curly perm was a good idea.

Darling, you have a lifetime ahead of you with no shortage of hindsight revelations which will leave you cringing at your own dubious judgement. Give yourself a pass on this one.

Besides, sometimes these things can’t be helped. You loved it, and love has a tendency to linger regardless of logic. Your love persists because a couple of years ago you formed an attachment to Twilight. It’s just like how every time I see Tim Curry, I’m instinctively suspicious of him. I will always doubt the nobility of any character he portrays because the first movie I saw him in was Legend, in which he played The Lord of Darkness (actually).

On the bright side, you’re getting a head start on learning how to be in love with an asshole. At some point in your future, you might fall for a person who isn’t good enough for you and even possibly a girl or guy who is straight up bad for you. You will be able to draw upon this experience, acknowledging the lust but moving on to someone who deserves your attention. Think of it as jackass practice.

While Twilight is emphatically NOT an awesome book, it was a catalyst for your literary awakening, and that itself is quite awesome.

I think you’re going to be fine.

Reassuringly yours,

P.S. (Please read this correction in a Mary Poppins-esque nurturing-but-assertive tone.) In the future, use the adverb “badly” when modifying verbs. The books are badly written. See also: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

Tagged: questions

23rd September 2012

Post with 582 notes

Why do you spend so much time reading something you hate?

I doubt the good people at the CDC love Ebola. I’m a literary epidemiologist.

Tagged: literary epidemiologyIf that wasn't a real thing before it is now.Now you can stop asking that question.QuestionsIt has a better ring to it than ''critic'' does.

23rd September 2012

Photo with 441 notes

Tagged: ''Whatever'' Dana accused.Awkward phrasingDialogue TagsShe wrote that with a straight face.Wonder of wonders -- I challenged you to do something in this post without labeling it and you still knew what was going're doing it wrong.When you reblog the typo it's like getting the limited edition.

21st September 2012

Photo with 471 notes

Tagged: ''More force than necessary'' is not the same as ''too much force.''OHMYGOD. HE'S SO STRONG! SWOON. Is that the reaction you wanted?On the bright side at least it didn't kick it ''two'' hard.There's a ''That's what she said...'' in there somewhere.yes it's nit-picky; do you not get what I'm doing?The answer to Jacob's question is ''Crap. The story is crap.''

20th September 2012

Photo with 298 notes

Tagged: Also: TiggerNext he will be pestering the NPCsImagination is a coping mechanicsm to survive the series

19th September 2012

Photo with 378 notes

Tagged: Awkward phrasingCare bears are an asthma attack waiting to happen.Edward was right! Werewolves are dangerous!It sounds cuter than it is.unintended consquences of sloppy writing

18th September 2012

Link with 42 notes

I'm on Twitter now, too. →

Tagged: I'm extra back.

18th September 2012

Question with 20 notes

Anonymous said: "Move over Sean Cassidy" -- That's "Shaun" Cassidy. (sincerely, a 40-mumble-year-old-woman who still listens to the Da Doo Ron Ron).

We’re not listening to the same Cassidy.