Before I had any right to dismiss Twihards or criticize the psychologically unhealthy relationship model that Bella Swan and Edward Cullen present, I felt obliged to read the books. So I did. All four novels, one novella, and an incomplete document in portable format. The content lived down to my expectations, but I was unprepared for how poorly crafted the saga is. Contact:

5th February 2014

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Tagged: Hello darlings.Awkward phrasingshame carrots and other hand gesturesMeanwhile the cliffs were doing jazz hands.The number of times I've needed to put this book down in order to flip it off with both hands is astounding.EVEN THE LANDSCAPE HATES YOUThey look like big good strong hands don't they? I always thought that's what they were...

22nd July 2013

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Tagged: More like TIGHTlightAnd Stephenie said Let there be tight: and there was tight.And Stephenie saw the tight and it was bad; and Stephenie could not divide the tight from the dumbness.The Kids Are All TightTwo wrongs make a tight.So Wrong It's Tighthis expression wasn't the only thing that tightened

13th July 2013

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Tagged: Were you educated in a barn? Close your parenthetical!Dashing through the sludgeYou realize that’s a smaller opening right?You used to be able to walk out the front door and now you have to climb out some slightly ajar window somewhereYou're doing it wrong.Punctuation AbuseYou're making English cry.Hyphens make excellent shivs.

26th May 2013

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Tagged: Out-of-Context Bellaout-of-context Eclipsethat's what she saidwerewolves just got interestingI can be so juvenile.bow-chicka-row-roww

24th May 2013

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Tagged: Agreeing with Bella Swan makes me uncomfortableoh the inanityIf you don't like it you're free to find another planet.Apparently it's the kind of world where stalking is cute.

23rd May 2013

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Tagged: But Mom... all the other characters get eternal youth!I wish you would just melt.Hi. How is everyone?Those tourists the Volturi gobbled up aren't getting older either.What isn't wrong with her?

19th February 2013

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Tagged: A glittering teenage boy pouring from her eyes would be even better.Sounds like somebody is having a flare-up of ocular herpes.Unfortunate juxtaposition.When I’m not fair it’s because I’m busy being fun.Sentences -- sentences of crap -- filled the page.

21st January 2013

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Tagged: She mashed her terrible potatoes and rolled her terrible oats.You could also boil her teeth or stick them in a stew.What would toothpaste be like if your teeth were potatoes?vocabularyBad squishy bad squishy!Monster MashconnotationI do not think it means what you think it means.

20th January 2013

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Since I know a lot of you share my love for fonts…

On January 23, is celebrating National Handwriting Day by letting you make as many free fonts out of your handwriting as you want. Only good 1/23/13. Use coupon CPN4MOM2013 when you check out.

Tagged: in unrelated newsfonts

20th January 2013

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Tagged: It burns when I read.Where did the rest of Sam go while his hand was on the stove?

8th January 2013

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Tagged: Even with vampire speed Carlisle cannot go fuck himself fast enough.I suppress my desire to interrupt conversation to correct your grammar but that doesn’t make me a good person. Just outwardly polite.Oh they don’t eat people. Well so what? A lot of bad people don’t eat people.Why don't you tell those tourists in Italy how great the Cullens are. That's right -- you can't.Twilight Sigh-ga

19th December 2012

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Tagged: shirtsgrammargrammar policeto correct and serve

4th December 2012

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Tagged: A rose by any other scent would still probably smell better than me. I wish it were a little stinky...Decent people don't break into your room and watch you sleep.I am not swooning.Was ''him'' or ''rich'' spat? Careless italics.are you for serious?Are you talking about Edward?

4th December 2012

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Tagged: I made a face right back!Seriously. Don't kill yourself.cliff notesdirty slip of the tongueRemember that time you were all ''Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable''? Not good times.

30th November 2012

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Tagged: inappropriate responses to social cuesvamPowers that belong on soap operasWhy doesn't Jasper use his powers to give Edward the munchies?Nobody puts Baby's rage in the corner.And not just because Jacob doesn't wear shoes anymore.